It's been a while

So it's been a while but I just haven't know what to write. Right now I'm feeling anxious which has been quite a theme lately. All of these feelings of depression and anxiety that I've been feeling for years are present in my life in different amounts and it's a constant struggle to figure out where they're coming from and how I can cast them out of my head.

It's so much easier to treat a defined pain like a cut or a stomach ache. You know exactly where the pain is located and remedies to treat them. Depression and anxiety are much more complicated. I chose to take medication because I didn't know what else to do after feeling bad for so long. But taking medication comes with its own side-effects that can be disconcerting like feeling dizzy or distracted or tired.

For a long time I hid my depression from people, only telling people who are very close to me because I felt embarassed, like it was a weakness. But I was only lying to myself and others when I hid it from them. And when I started being honest, it felt liberating that people knew the truth. And I know that by admitting all of this in my blog, that people might be finding out this truth about me.

My Mom visited me this past week and there were a lot of emotions wrapped up in her being here. I feel a relief when she's here because it's nice to have someone around me who knows me well and will take care of me the way only mothers can. It was so nice to have Mom hugs and conversations. When she leaves me, I feel sad and I have a hard time figuring out if it's normal sadness or a form of depression funk that I go into because I feel good a cared for when she's here but it all goes away when she goes away.